Happiness is the prize

I’m sure there has been a stage in most people’s lives where they have really understood the saying ‘life goes on’. When I was younger, I assumed that it meant ‘pick yourself up, you’ll be ok kid’, but what I understand it to be now is ‘you can mope all you like and that won’t help either, but in the meantime life will continue with or without you, so you may as well be present and pick yourself back up, because no one else is doing it for you’.Β 

I recently returned to university and exam period has kicked in, in full swing. Although I’m surrounded by people that make me laugh and I am back to my own personal, calm space, it still feels as if something is missing or that I am simply feeling numb. The Christmas break has been emotionally challenging for me whilst going through a break-up, dealing with death, studying for exams and all the while coping with anxiety but thankfully waving goodbye to depression. Through positivity I have started to become one of those people who can simply get up and get on with life. Consciously attacking life with a positive, lighthearted attitude can make all the difference to a god-awful day and a pleasant day. However, although this ‘get up and go’ attitude has its benefits, it’s leading me to feel slightly numb to life as I’m occasionally abandoning any time to process these emotions – so I guess I’m doing it now. I’m not sure if this is my body’s way of shutting out emotion so I can get up and survive another day, or if this is simply what it feels like to be healing from something like depression.

Depression to me felt like an extreme emotion, so now that it feels further and further away from me and who I am, no longer hurting me, I’m unfamiliar with this steady emotion that I am experiencing due to it’s lack of extremity. I am appreciative for my steady state of mind, but sometimes I do wonder if I will get back to feeling happy rather than content. Perhaps it’s a lifelong challenge and happiness is the prize?


2 thoughts on “Happiness is the prize

  1. This was your best writing yet! I continuously struggle with the concept of positive thinking and the effectiveness it has for me personally with my struggle with depression. If I were to be completely honest with you (don’t tell Holly or auntie Corrie), I feel that deep down that positive thinking has very little impact on my depression. However, I have noticed, that if I put an act on of having a positive attitude to the people around me, it makes them feel better. It also helps me to get through the day and function normally to the people around me. Those close to me start will start to feel relief as I appear happy and engaged and I am able to get through the day and go to work and do what I need to do. However, there is only so long that I can put this act on, resulting in complete physical and mental exhaustion, and falling back deeper into my depression. Happiness is something that I have always longed for and hope for, which is something I have recently given up on.

    However, when I am in that dark place, the only thing that helps me is thinking about the past memories I have had, in which I believe that I have truly experienced the feelings of happiness. These memories usually consist of times I have spent with my parents, ben, and Michelle eating dinner and playing game; times spent with your family (which are times I always feel happy), and of course, any memory I have with nana. I try to bring myself back to that moment and the happiness I felt, which gives me enough reason to keep going, with the hope that I will feel the same way once again. I love you

    • Thank you Laura, kind words go a long way :). Like I said, gaining happiness is a massive challenge and it’s different for every one. I think the most important thing is to get up and think of all the things that make you happy, write them down if it helps, notice your surroundings and take pleasure in the small things. Happiness doesn’t just happen, you have to work at it. Don’t give up on it because that won’t get you anywhere. Think of those past memories and think of small recent memories that may have made you happy to like getting a lie in or a bright sky, this is what gets me through. Love you always xx

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