I’m sure there has been a stage in most people’s lives where they have really understood the saying ‘life goes on’. When I was younger, I assumed that it meant ‘pick yourself up, you’ll be ok kid’, but what I understand it to be now is ‘you can mope all you like and that won’t help either, but in the meantime life will continue with or without you, so you may as well be present and pick yourself back up, because no one else is doing it for you’.
I recently returned to university and exam period has kicked in, in full swing. Although I’m surrounded by people that make me laugh and I am back to my own personal, calm space, it still feels as if something is missing or that I am simply feeling numb. The Christmas break has been emotionally challenging for me whilst going through a break-up, dealing with death, studying for exams and all the while coping with anxiety but thankfully waving goodbye to depression. Through positivity I have started to become one of those people who can simply get up and get on with life. Consciously attacking life with a positive, lighthearted attitude can make all the difference to a god-awful day and a pleasant day. However, although this ‘get up and go’ attitude has its benefits, it’s leading me to feel slightly numb to life as I’m occasionally abandoning any time to process these emotions – so I guess I’m doing it now. I’m not sure if this is my body’s way of shutting out emotion so I can get up and survive another day, or if this is simply what it feels like to be healing from something like depression.
Depression to me felt like an extreme emotion, so now that it feels further and further away from me and who I am, no longer hurting me, I’m unfamiliar with this steady emotion that I am experiencing due to it’s lack of extremity. I am appreciative for my steady state of mind, but sometimes I do wonder if I will get back to feeling happy rather than content. Perhaps it’s a lifelong challenge and happiness is the prize?