You both convinced yourselves that it was love that you had for one another. You especially, had to work exceptionally hard at the convincing part. What you gave me was not love. I am not sure what it was – ego driven behaviour projected in a desperate bid to avoid disturbing the status quo and facing what you truly were. No, not in this lifetime.
Love for another cannot be fuelled by aggression or intimidation. It doesn’t manipulate in its moments of weakness, desperate to remain in control. Love has such a power that it overrides frequency lowering behaviours. It doesn’t ride with the ego, for that is not possible as love and ego cannot cohabit. Ego will always selfishly take up the most space in a romantic relationship, through fear of its own extinction. Ego driven romance shall always have lack of security in its foundation. That kind of ‘love’ is totally shakeable. That ‘love’ is at risk of significant damage and the ego’s awareness of this leads it to a place of desperation.
Now it is clear to me and more straightforward to accept, what we had was not love. What I gave to you was not love, but fear. A fear of loss of something that was intended to be lost all along. It was complicated and the waters we swam in were dirtied. From time to time, we managed to swim towards a spot where we could see our toes wiggling through the water – entertained and momentarily distracted. Here we convinced ourselves that we’d found nirvana and what we deemed love, flourished. We’d managed to move downstream from the dirt that had contaminated our ‘love’. Not too long after, we’d notice darker waters flowing towards us – we could no longer see our toes. Ignorant for what was approaching, we managed to convince ourselves that this marathon we were swimming, was normal. The cycle continued, becoming routine until exhaustion came. My body ached as I constantly swam from the fear. We were no longer treading water, we were drowning but you were holding me under.
Surrounded by contaminated waters, we could no longer deny the loss. The death of a love that never existed.
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