Thought Sharers: I See You

A couple of weeks after it happened, it started to feel less like someone else’s story that I had been living. Every day I noticed a 10-minute burst of normality, of feeling ok. I used this as a reminder that the positive emotions were existing, they were just covered by a smog of soot. I found the numbness was soothing, clearly a defence mechanism to protect the pain from causing too much internal destruction. During this period, I was reminded of how it felt to experience depression. Yet this time, it was welcomed. Speech was not a concept that I was able to explore so I used my writing as a way to document the ever-changing emotions surging through my body at regular intervals.

One evening, as the familiar countryside darkness encompassed the surroundings of the house, feeling too withdrawn to socialise, I decided to stay home whilst my parents had an aperitif. At this moment, my cat decided to fuse the manmade and natural worlds together, dropping a beautiful robin by my feet.

I didn’t know what to do as panic choked my capacity to behave in an appropriate manner. My natural response was to weep, to grieve the bird that lay before me. I couldn’t help but feel that I was mourning the death of other things passing through my existence.

The Robin, a symbol for the loss that I had suffered, demonstrated the selfish pleasure enjoyed at the expense of another.

I felt absolutely helpless and channelled my energy towards the egotistic perpetrator – a character I was all too familiar with. Desperately chasing my cat around the house, I wailed, asking him why he did this, frantic for an answer I could never expect a reply to.

During the chaos that I was prompting, the robin took an impetuous dive over my head, taking cover on top of a cupboard. I stood startled at the tiny bird tucked away in the corner puffing its tiny chest repeatedly, high above any potential threat. As if someone had held up a tiny mirror, all I saw was myself. Wounded, weak, exhausted and not knowing how to call back survival. Yet there was in intrinsic instinct that had been activated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thought Sharers: We Were Not Love

You both convinced yourselves that it was love that you had for one another. You especially, had to work exceptionally hard at the convincing part. What you gave me was not love. I am not sure what it was – ego driven behaviour projected in a desperate bid to avoid disturbing the status quo and facing what you truly were. No, not in this lifetime.

Love for another cannot be fuelled by aggression or intimidation. It doesn’t manipulate in its moments of weakness, desperate to remain in control. Love has such a power that it overrides frequency lowering behaviours. It doesn’t ride with the ego, for that is not possible as love and ego cannot cohabit. Ego will always selfishly take up the most space in a romantic relationship, through fear of its own extinction. Ego driven romance shall always have lack of security in its foundation. That kind of ‘love’ is totally shakeable. That ‘love’ is at risk of significant damage and the ego’s awareness of this leads it to a place of desperation. 

Now it is clear to me and more straightforward to accept, what we had was not love. What I gave to you was not love, but fear. A fear of loss of something that was intended to be lost all along. It was complicated and the waters we swam in were dirtied. From time to time, we managed to swim towards a spot where we could see our toes wiggling through the water – entertained and momentarily distracted. Here we convinced ourselves that we’d found nirvana and what we deemed love, flourished. We’d managed to move downstream from the dirt that had contaminated our ‘love’. Not too long after, we’d notice darker waters flowing towards us – we could no longer see our toes. Ignorant for what was approaching, we managed to convince ourselves that this marathon we were swimming, was normal. The cycle continued, becoming routine until exhaustion came. My body ached as I constantly swam from the fear. We were no longer treading water, we were drowning but you were holding me under.

Surrounded by contaminated waters, we could no longer deny the loss. The death of a love that never existed.

Control and Surrender

Our brain has a clear purpose. It has highly complex functions that allow us to maintain some form of control over our lives and over our ability to make decisions. We desperately need these elements of control and restraint in order to make ‘good’ decisions. Without these functions, our day-to-day would end up totally structureless and would most likely lack any clear orientation. Simple, menial tasks would transform into those which would require high levels of focus, resulting in long completion times (and inevitable frustration). Getting through the day would simply be chaotic as we would not have the ability to make decisions. On the other hand, perhaps this consequence would lead us to a new realm of enjoyment and exploration, without feeling like we have an end task or goal that needs to be reached. We might even enjoy the journey.

Surrendering to a lack of control could in fact lead us down a more freeing, playful avenue. Why is control deemed as a positive force if it encourages us to be more rigid and exist in such a linear manner? Whilst, in our fast paced, highly adaptive society, having control is deemed as favourable. If one has control in their possession, they are more likely to be respected as they achieve more socially acceptable goals. They may be able to predict their coming future, based on the way they’ve structured their base. Life might feel tidy and the element of pleasant surprise is removed. However, along with that, any unpredictable pleasant surprise, dies.

Surrendering to a lack of control could invite openness to live in your life. It could create a habitat for open energy, encouraging your shoulders to come down from your ears, your ass cheeks to unclench and your jaw to relax – giving the muscles their job back. ‘Giving in’ can feel lighter and create space for a perspective which deems all paths as possibilities for opportunity, rather than ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. At the end of each path, lies a lesson to be learnt. Whilst upon the path, the structureless existence which you go by, might feel regretful as you beg structure and predictability back into your life. However, this is usually when something magical begins to manifest and everything aligns. All you need to do in aiding this transition is to surrender the control, give in and know that it is not failing, it is mastering.

The Impermanence of Emotions

I like to remind myself on a weekly basis that I am insignificant and impermanent. Some might call this reasonably pessimistic or even a depressing way to live, but I encourage those people to humbly flip the concept on its head. We as human beings can often have an egocentric idea that we are existing in solitary on this planet – as if we are the only individuals who stroll the streets with our unique tales weighing on our shoulders, feet dragging and skeleton struggling to simply do its job.

In my opinion, (there are so many today, who cares anyway) it is important to remind ourselves of how simply insignificant we truly are. Yes, we are also significant in many ways (especially in our ways of damaging this wonder-filled planet or in the way we can so effortlessly harm other living beings). The point is, we are also all dying. One day we simply won’t be here. Thus, by reminding myself of this undeniable fact, it also encourages me (occasionally) to be a little looser about things. Right now, that focus in letting go, is placed with my emotions.

I am someone who takes shit very seriously. Uptight would be an appropriate way to describe me if you are someone who enjoys labels. However, this is also an element of myself that I am gently trying to knead out of the dough that formulates my thoughts. Why should one hold on to something that doesn’t want to hold on to them? Emotions don’t want to set up camp, they don’t favour familiarity, they simply want to come and go as they please – that is something that we as human beings are not always great in accepting: so much in our lives is temporary, especially when it comes to feelings.

Emotions are the epitome of impermanence. Why are we so blind to acknowledge and accept that? Where does this inherit stubbornness originate from, especially when it comes to letting go of painful emotions?

According to Tony Robins (a wonderfully mental life guru), we hold onto our painful emotions because they are familiar. Human beings are not the best in dealing with uncertainty and change. Thus, the pain from the past serves us in a way that it is familiar and opposite to the unknown, something new or different – it is comforting. Whilst letting go can release you from this pain, it liberates you into a space of the unknown which can be daunting and confronting.

Ask yourself why you hold onto past emotions and identify how they no longer serve you. Perhaps you can attempt to clear some of the fog that sits in front of your view. Start by setting yourself clear, weekly goals for what you would like to change and write down what your life would look like, should you achieve these goals. Visualise and attract the vision you deserve and let go of what no longer has a purpose taking space in your life.

Don’t ask that the emotions simply go away, ask them why they are there and talk to them. Sit in it all for a while and when you are ready tell them to leave.

Change and Transformation

Often, we loathe it, mostly we fear it and for the best part, we do our best to deny its looming existence in our lives. However, funnily enough it can have the most profound affect on our being. It’s force alone can transform the unthinkable and revolutionise our existence. So, if this is all old news, why do we fear change so much?

Naturally, we don’t like change and one of the reasons could be due to the fear of the uncertainty of a situation – we cannot anticipate what is coming and that can generate anxiety. We are creatures of habit, creatures who enjoy being able to prepare for the future. What we often fail to initially realise is also how flexible we can be when faced with new situations. So, those sometimes cliché sayings that we are used to passively exchanging in retaliation to other’s adversity, do have some profound meaning because they are true if you hold enough faith: everything is going to be ok, don’t worry it will all be fine, everything is going to work out for the best, alles komt goed. 

Change enables us to grow, as well as helping to develop our sense of self, through the challenges we may encounter on the way. Change can also lead to increased self-esteem once we recognize that we are flexible and easily adaptable beings. Unexpected changes are great for personal development as the wounds we may sustain during these testing times, eventually heal, strengthening our self-belief of self and life in general. Finally, change creates a highly adaptable internal environment, resulting in less freak outs with every new scenario we encounter.

Yes, we need most change and it is inevitable. If we do not experience any change, we run the risk of living in a stale state, maintaining stale relationships or simply accommodating stale experiences. A simple yet effective example can be seen in the wonderful book ‘who moved my cheese?’ by Spencer Johnson. The short, simplistic depiction helps to highlight that our denial of change and building of a life that denies its existence, will only cut ourselves off from having the crucial skills required for survival. By clutching eagerly onto our comfortable and familiar lives, we will only make it harder for ourselves once we are confronted with change.

That is not to say that dealing with change is uncomplicated. I for one struggle when initially dealing with a new situation of any kind. ‘Newness’ highlights my weaknesses and sheds too strong of a light on my flaws. However, to undergo metamorphosis there must be a struggle of some kind in order to truly awaken again.

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Do you have tips for dealing with change? Asking for a friend.

Mindfulness Talks: Escaping vs Embracing

 

Most of us are familiar with that feeling of living for the weekend in order to turn our back on the demanding days that have passed or craving an impending festival in order to truly let loose and shake off the stress of modern living. This idea has lead me to question the relationship that we have with escaping our daily routine. Could it be that we are damaging our attempts at conscious living, in order to simply blow off steam? Is there such thing as conscious escapism?

It can be argued that escapism is to seek relief from unpleasant realities, often through entertainment or fantasy. According to Longeway, escapism becomes damaging once the individual avoids awareness of the ‘issues’ or beliefs at hand. Escapism through entertainment has an intention to draw us away from our everyday predicaments. There is a danger that we can get caught up in the fantasy of our life being better than it really is (which could be a paradox considering it is a concept based on our own interpretation and understanding). As human beings, we often escape in different ways dependent on our personal interests. For example: reading, listening to music, completing a crossword or puzzle, going on vacation, doing daily yoga, all the way to becoming comatose in front of the television, playing computer games and taking drugs. Who is to say, that one is more damaging than the other if the same purpose is being fulfilled?

Escapism is not inherently negative. The perception however, is negative. This is ironic considering most of us indulge in escapist behavior on a regular basis. Longeway argues that if we are of course to deny that something is true (health issues for example), escapism can be damaging and deceiving. Thus, a little scale becomes visible. If we don’t fool ourselves into avoiding confronting issues and we do not deny something is there, then we can move towards acknowledgement of what lies within us – becoming more conscious. There are logical reasons why one may want to escape, but it is important to remind oneself not to use escape as a coping mechanism. Here an unhealthy habit can develop. But, it does seem logical and healthy to drop out every now and then – like a system re-boot.

Let’s place yoga into the spotlight – my favourite hobby when I need to float to a happy cloud, soaring above my anxious thoughts. The sensation that I experience after yoga is very tranquil and calm, to the point where most things don’t really matter in the moments that follow. Each time I plan a class, I feel a little tingle in my belly and this continues on until I step on the mat – I am immediately transported into another zone. I crave this feeling and I follow it around. For me, yoga and meditation is certainly a form of escape. However, when practicing, we are continuously encouraged to be as present and conscious as possible. Furthermore, if we have pain, issues or problems, rather than labeling them, we are encouraged to acknowledge them and continue on – calming confronting what is occurring. When practicing, we are taught not to deny emotions but to embrace them whatever they may be and however they may arise. Thus, the whole time that we are escaping during yoga, we are holding the hand of our demons and essentially confronting them.

If we then analyse escapism through taking drugs, the process can alternate and present varying benefits compared to taking a yoga class, but the underlying importance is still on balance. Perhaps escapism through taking drugs could lead you further away from confronting what it is that you are indeed temporality running from – but who is to say that this is detrimental or wrong?

 Whilst too much of this fleeing behavior can lead you away from significant personal goals or even hinder your productivity, not enough can result in excessive levels of stress and even burn out. Ultimately, escapism provides your brain with the coping skills for understanding heavy emotions and pressured situations – without it, we would likely crumble. Thus, it is crucial to think of escapism as an activity that is neither positive or negative but as an activity that requires monitoring and careful practice. Perhaps the use of the word is also outdated and if we simply re-label it to ‘re-fueling’, ‘re-charging’ or ‘de-compressing’, our whole outlook could be transported to an alternative space.

 

Mindfulness Talks: Meditation. A very continuous journey on the road to somewhere

 

It’s been around 5/6 weeks since I set myself the task of meditating every single day. My key goal was to commit myself to actively participating in something that was only beneficial for me, for at least 5 minutes a day. This seems painfully straight forward, but you’ll be surprised at how difficult it is to withdraw from your surroundings for 5 simple minutes. In these moments when I momentarily stepped away from my daily doings, I temporarily experienced an increase in my anxiety – I had to step back from ‘keeping life in check’ for those moments when I was meditating. I was convinced that I would lose control of my reality if I wasn’t constantly monitoring what was occurring around me. Eventually, I made it a forceful priority to take that step back, to see what happened if I did indeed lose control. After returning to my life following the short 5 minute break, I was of course pleasantly surprised to see everything still in its place around me.

Prior to mediation, my mind was awash with too many stimuli, to the point where I felt very disconnected with myself and my soul purpose on this planet. My anxiety was at an all time high and to say that I felt like a stranger to myself would be considerably apt. The thing that concerned me now that I reflect on it, was how well I managed to hide my true self from those with whom I interacted with on a daily basis – I had become a pro at having two personas. To me, it even felt like a strength if I was able to hide how chaotic my thoughts really were.

Once I started becoming familiar with the habit of meditating, I scouted the help of an app – Insight Timer. At first, I was resilient in allowing technology to help with something that I considered to be so delicate and pure. I felt I would be insulting the practice if I couldn’t do it from the authenticity of my heart alone. However, I shortly realised that there is no point in pretending to be a master of a trade when you have just started gathering the tools. Especially with meditation, there is no one to fool but yourself, you may as well start getting brutally honest – otherwise you will never grow.  Not surprisingly, the app enabled me to stay on track, as well as pinpoint the topic of stress for that day – which is very helpful when you are already feeling so ungrounded. Plus, a guiding voice can feel ever so supporting and slightly more elevating than when you are doing it alone.

So, what have I gained?

The beautiful thing about about mediation is that it can provide you with a realistic feeling of optimism, one you can trust. The feeling of peace that we often experience after meditating, comes from our inner selves – from us and nothing else – that is especially powerful.  It is up to us and only us, to maintain that snippet of an uplifting sensation and we must do this by continuing to practice. For sufferers of mental illness, the feeling of powerlessness is an all too familiar one. Thus, meditation is unique because it provides you with the instruments to create your own strength and contribute to the start of your own healing.

Meditation has not healed me and I believe that due to the mechanics of my brain, I never shall be completely ‘healed’ – but it is certainly playing an increasingly important role in my life – releasing internal pressure when I am unable to recognise how to do so myself.

If I was to summarise one thing that mediation has provided me with, it would be an outlet. An outlet for a very continuous journey, on the road to somewhere.  The effects are subtle and gentle, but they are noticeable. That is enough for me to keep going, to keep taking those moments, to ground myself and come home to myself – even if only for a split second.

 

Mindfulness Talks: Meditation. From Deflation to Elation

Thankfully, nowadays my generation seem to have an increasing amount of confidence and curiosity when it comes to openly discussing the importance of a sane & satisfied mind. This ease in discussing mental health, has been hugely helped along by a magnificent platform  – the World Wide Web. I am not ignorant to its harmful potential, but at the same time, the internet has allowed for the opening of a new dimension, providing a platform where young people feel more inclined to discuss their mental health with individuals who are simply, more able to empathise with them. I think that’s bloody brilliant. Gradually, this discussion has allowed for the stigma of mental health to be softened and weakened.

I would label myself as a bit of a holistic individual who enjoys dabbling in the natural, more gentle medical wonders. After doping up on prescription medication and spending a 12 month period wondering why I hadn’t cried once, I soon discovered that the authentic emotions were more valuable to my personal growth and overall enjoyment of life – even if they seem to be more confronting and cutting. If we don’t learn to deal with these emotions, then how are we dealing? We are not. Sometimes, it’s simply more beneficial, if we remove the guys wearing white coats, momentarily replacing them for a better, more relatable support network – online and offline.

I recently read an article written by a young woman who wanted to test the power of meditation on her skin (she often broke out in stress induced moments). After a month, her skin had slightly increased in colouring and its clearness, but her remarks on her mental behaviours, where what intrigued me. I am someone who is constantly plagued by worry – professionals label it as generalised anxiety disorder (but I am challenging this uninventive stamp), so I thought this mediation ‘challenge’ would be perfect for me and my ever wandering, self sabotaging mind.

I’ll begin by meditating once a day for 5 minutes, increasing the duration, weekly. Meditation in the morning is my preferred choice due to the fact that you are naturally in a more calm headspace at this point of the day, plus it is easier to find 5 minutes at the beginning of your day without distraction and it starts your day off on a great foot! I’ve read and heard so much about this wonder method, that I am curious to explore the benefits – if any.

Photo credit: Pintrest

 

Societal Talks: I am, we are

I am standing here In the dark. It is raining and the ground feebly trembles beneath me as a gentle storm appears to brew. The rain catches the edges of my hair, dampening it and darkening the tips in colour. My toes are slowly numbing and I wiggle them in anticipation of  being amongst the warmth of the tram that was due to arrive. The roads are wet and deserted and civilisation represents a scene from a 4am winters morning. I watch nervously as the time ticks past 8:45pm and my intention to reach home in good time gradually becomes threatened. There is no sign of the tram and I gaze towards the lady stood next to me, for reassurance. Knowing that there is a human body of warmth, one that carries emotions and sensations just like my own, provides me with an immediate sensation of connection and familiarity – the wonderfully strange reassurance of the company from a stranger.
It was at this moment that something became evident to me – if I was alone, my thoughts would be pacing, restless. Yet the obvious fact of having another human next to me was proudly comforting. We are social begins who were made to love and explore, thus when we come into contact with others, albeit briefly, their energy force field can penetrate our own, leaving a mark. Every day that we travel from one place to another, we are encapsulated by an energy force field, projecting our subconscious emotions onto those who we pass.
Keeping your soul open, allows you to pick up the sensations of another, even when they are painstakingly attempting to create a particular projection to display to the world. Occasionally the raw, uncut, uncensored, often dark emotions can prevail, painfully communicating this to the person who is staring deeply into your eyes. Most of the time, these darkened, more brutal, perhaps even less attractive emotions, are ignored and layered under a phoney facade.

Every so often you may encounter another soul that touches yours, softly yet intensely connecting with yourself- like two interlaced hands. Suddenly you don’t feel so deserted, you don’t feel betrayed by your mind and any old, reoccurring hurt may gently soften. Your souls reverberate off of one another and in that moment, the notion of time is obsolete and you are reminded, we are one.

Spiritual Talks: 10 mantras to help you on your journey

I’ve made it my life long quest to understand what it is to be happy and content. This may sound incredibly simplistic to some, but to other individuals who have experienced suffering, pain, tortuous thoughts or behaviours and a general disequilibrium of self, happiness being their only goal, is a tough one. I also understand that happiness is not a permanent emotional state that we can camp out in, feeling no more or less than eternal bliss. It is a wonderful emotion that reminds us that the dark, sometimes suffocating days will subside for the warmth eventually – we just have to be open enough to allow it.

I came across these beautiful mantras through The Mind Unleashed Org and wanted to share.

1) Even when I am alone I will remember that I am connected to all

2) I will find my path by helping others with theirs

3) I will not compound negative thoughts with shame

4) I will accept everybody wherever they are

5) I will look for and see beauty around me

6) I will allow abundance and good to happen to me

7) I will treat my mind and body as they deserve to be treated

8) I will dwell only on thoughts and emotions that help me grow

9) I will seek truth and knowledge

10) I will laugh and contribute positive energy to the universe