Thought Sharers: I See You

A couple of weeks after it happened, it started to feel less like someone else’s story that I had been living. Every day I noticed a 10-minute burst of normality, of feeling ok. I used this as a reminder that the positive emotions were existing, they were just covered by a smog of soot. I found the numbness was soothing, clearly a defence mechanism to protect the pain from causing too much internal destruction. During this period, I was reminded of how it felt to experience depression. Yet this time, it was welcomed. Speech was not a concept that I was able to explore so I used my writing as a way to document the ever-changing emotions surging through my body at regular intervals.

One evening, as the familiar countryside darkness encompassed the surroundings of the house, feeling too withdrawn to socialise, I decided to stay home whilst my parents had an aperitif. At this moment, my cat decided to fuse the manmade and natural worlds together, dropping a beautiful robin by my feet.

I didn’t know what to do as panic choked my capacity to behave in an appropriate manner. My natural response was to weep, to grieve the bird that lay before me. I couldn’t help but feel that I was mourning the death of other things passing through my existence.

The Robin, a symbol for the loss that I had suffered, demonstrated the selfish pleasure enjoyed at the expense of another.

I felt absolutely helpless and channelled my energy towards the egotistic perpetrator – a character I was all too familiar with. Desperately chasing my cat around the house, I wailed, asking him why he did this, frantic for an answer I could never expect a reply to.

During the chaos that I was prompting, the robin took an impetuous dive over my head, taking cover on top of a cupboard. I stood startled at the tiny bird tucked away in the corner puffing its tiny chest repeatedly, high above any potential threat. As if someone had held up a tiny mirror, all I saw was myself. Wounded, weak, exhausted and not knowing how to call back survival. Yet there was in intrinsic instinct that had been activated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thought Sharers: We Were Not Love

You both convinced yourselves that it was love that you had for one another. You especially, had to work exceptionally hard at the convincing part. What you gave me was not love. I am not sure what it was – ego driven behaviour projected in a desperate bid to avoid disturbing the status quo and facing what you truly were. No, not in this lifetime.

Love for another cannot be fuelled by aggression or intimidation. It doesn’t manipulate in its moments of weakness, desperate to remain in control. Love has such a power that it overrides frequency lowering behaviours. It doesn’t ride with the ego, for that is not possible as love and ego cannot cohabit. Ego will always selfishly take up the most space in a romantic relationship, through fear of its own extinction. Ego driven romance shall always have lack of security in its foundation. That kind of ‘love’ is totally shakeable. That ‘love’ is at risk of significant damage and the ego’s awareness of this leads it to a place of desperation. 

Now it is clear to me and more straightforward to accept, what we had was not love. What I gave to you was not love, but fear. A fear of loss of something that was intended to be lost all along. It was complicated and the waters we swam in were dirtied. From time to time, we managed to swim towards a spot where we could see our toes wiggling through the water – entertained and momentarily distracted. Here we convinced ourselves that we’d found nirvana and what we deemed love, flourished. We’d managed to move downstream from the dirt that had contaminated our ‘love’. Not too long after, we’d notice darker waters flowing towards us – we could no longer see our toes. Ignorant for what was approaching, we managed to convince ourselves that this marathon we were swimming, was normal. The cycle continued, becoming routine until exhaustion came. My body ached as I constantly swam from the fear. We were no longer treading water, we were drowning but you were holding me under.

Surrounded by contaminated waters, we could no longer deny the loss. The death of a love that never existed.